Over and over again I am astounded and mystified by how things work in this reality of ours. When you find clarity in your mind around what it is you desire, and you’re steady in your soul, magic happens. It’s so easy to lose your way when the pendulum swings into the life-is-hard phase, but as long as you never lose that inner sight, that clarity, that feeling that you get when something you’ve held in your heart comes to fruition…you’ll always win.
I’ve been calling for…praying for different specific things in my life over the past 12 months. From New York to Colorado I’ve held my vision strong. Even when I’ve felt stuck, lost, and even a little bit insane. Things are coming together in the most beautiful of ways. I’ve noticed things start happening and moving once I stop resisting, and surrender to the Fear. Facing what I thought I was afraid of, and realizing that because of the work that I’ve been doing, I feel safe. I feel seen. I feel supported. I feel loved. I feel whole. I feel good enough. What a magnificent treasure to see how my blood, sweat, tears, depression, sickness, and despair have brought me to exactly where I’ve been dreaming of. This is only the (next) beginning…What a trip to say that at 42!!
I’m surrounded by people who truly see me, who respect me, and love me without wanting anything in return. What a treasure. I cannot overemphasize the importance of genuinely falling in love with every little piece of yourself. I’m talking about your generally misunderstood inner critic who's been trying to protect you from the very beginning. I’m talking about your 14-yr-old self who wants so badly to fit in, to belong, to be accepted she (for so long) just about has a panic attack waiting for a potential love interest, or a best friend she hasn’t heard of in a few days to text her back. I’m talking about the insecure/jealous side of yourself. I’m talking about the seething with anger part of yourself who wants nothing than to yell and throw things. Also the procrastinator, lazy, over-working, disassociating and closed-off parts of yourself. Not to mention the self sabotaging, hiding from love parts of yourself. These are the parts that need it the most…our (self) compassion and unconditional love.
Once I realized how much I’d been hiding from, hating on and totally ashamed of these precious parts of myself, everything started to change. With the help of being clear from abusing alcohol for 4 years, a handful of teachers, books, blessed plant medicines, a skilled therapist, the support of my friends and family, and sheer determination, I’m understanding myself better than I ever have. It’s as if something has broken open and so much light is pouring in, on all of the brilliant parts of myself. How incredibly empowering it is to see how trauma has existed in my body for so long, and to know that I can witness the different parts of myself, while the mature current self is in charge now, discerning who is trying to speak up/act out, and lovingly listen to, and integrate them all.
Here’s to letting love in, not living in the past, and integrating all parts of ourselves so that we walk through this life as Whole, Compassionate beings of Love.
Photo credit Sacha Beriro