I’ve recently reluctantly moved, and have been feeling a sense of uneasiness. What is that? It’s uncertainty. It’s not knowing (intellectually) how I’m going to get from where I am to where I want to be, location-wise and financially. The fallback way has always been that I have to FIGURE IT OUT. Plan. Reach. Attach. Expect. Hope. Sometimes those things work. I’m finding more and more that those things can cause me a lot of stress.
I can feel how that stress has been creeping back into my life in different ways…the way that I eat, my lack of motivation to exercise, the impulsive way I turn to my phone to scroll mindlessly. How else can I distract myself from my own discomfort? What I’ve discovered in the last month coming back from a life-changing trip to Costa Rica, is that DOING LESS creates more flow and space. It’s such a challenge for me sometimes, and I think for a lot of people (to grasp even).
I’m not saying that I’m just going to sit around waiting for things to happen for me. I am noticing, however, that when I loosen my grip on the reigns and illusion of #
control, then things start to happen. I’m still motivated and inspired to (co)create, dream, grow, and collaborate.
I’m doing somatic guided imagery meditations with heart-centered Breathwork daily (thank you, therapist, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made). I’m focusing on feeling a peaceful appreciation, and full support by all of the elements, breath, sun/moon, animals, ancestors- to create stability/security/freedom in my heart which spreads all through my body/mind even outwards through my energetic field. I’m keeping that feeling alive every day as I practice deep self-inquiry, while also committing time to sit in stillness.
I was reminded recently (please watch Chasing the Present) that my suffering is something that I CAN control, it gives me a sense of freedom that brings a smile to my face. This is the freedom I’ve been dreaming of. Outside of my external desires, this is the space I want to operate from all the time. Yes, anger, sadness, confusion, loneliness, impatience, fear, longing, those are all feelings that exist and must be welcomed to flow through me. As the emotions are expressed and felt and are moving through, there is also the opportunity to decide how much of the “suffering” do I want to let hold me back from what it truly is I desire. How much longer will I allow fear to keep me from living the life of my dreams? That is up to me.
So as I contemplate my own existence…what it means to be a “me”, or an “I”…when I’m able to start deconstructing what that all really means, again that feeling of freedom and relief flow through my body, and I giggle with the absurdity and overwhelm and simplicity of it all.
What really matters is this moment right now. Right here and now. I mean, Ram Das said it, and lots of otherwise teachers have, and will continue to do so until we ALL get it. Are you ready to surrender to everything that you’ve ever thought you’ve known? Shed and purge. It’s a courageous path to choose to take to unlearn/forget in order to remember. Join me, won’t you?
