It was just a few days ago that I was speaking with someone about Grief. How for the last year it has been showing up in the form of other beings reaching out for help with their own. He mentioned that maybe it’s (also) showing up so that I can finally, fully pay attention to my own. I’d been having a hard time tapping into it. I’d been secretly afraid. I thought I’d already done all that work. I wrote about it, asking for it to be revealed…and so it came.
Oh, how you move me.
You’ve been buried deep down, lying curled up like a cat…waiting for me to call for you. I can feel where you’ve been hiding, sometimes coming up to the surface, wanting to seep through the cracks in my softened armor.
I asked, please reveal yourself to me! The time is now, I wrote…I want to dance with you, are you ready to come out and play? Let us dance holding hands under the moon. You lead, and I’ll follow.
I want to bathe with you. I want you to wash me clean- revealing all the tender and wounded parts of me that yearn to be seen.
Grief, I now realize that I have secretly feared you, ignored you, pretended that you didn’t exist. I didn't even know how to put a name to that feeling inside. No one teaches us about you when we're young. I had already cried for the loss of my mother, felt all the anger and pain of never being able to hear her voice, or touch her skin. I have fallen to my knees and faced the darkest of nights. I haven’t wanted to go back there again. What else is there?! (That's funny!) Oh, there's plenty.
Please forgive me, Grief. I love you and I need you. Now you are here, and the tears won’t stop. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for responding to what I know I am ready for. I am unsteady on my feet, and everything is moving in slow-motion. Things feel like a dream.
I know this is only the beginning of a(nother) profound journey into the depths of my soul, and I am ready. Everything that has brought me to this point has prepared me for you. I welcome you, Grief, with open arms, let us see what mysteries await. The loneliness at times feels almost unbearable, and yet I know that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. This is for me to walk through. Immense gratitude flows through my whole body, filling my heart so full that it can’t contain it, breaking open even more than it’s ever been.
I see what needs to be changed, and how I want to show up in a way that's been different than ever before. A lifetime of unconscious choices and reactions are so clear to me now. There is no turning back. The hopeful play of light along the dark veil of pain carries me along, with a deep knowing that all is well. All is perfect. I am whole, and always have been.
I can see now how you, Grief, are the ultimate expression of Love. For ourselves and for others. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.